Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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