I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
