My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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