I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
