Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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