I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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