dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Randomize
