I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
