I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Randomize
