i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize