ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
