I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
