please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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