Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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