His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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