Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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