I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Randomize
