I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm at about main and main street
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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