I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
