the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
