I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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