i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
So squirting runs in the family.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
this hospital has no fireball
And my parents said I crawled through the house
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
