guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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