dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
