I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
