my room smells like sperm. sweet.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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