you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
