don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
