Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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