between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
