where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
