it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
