I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
