Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
