we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
