Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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