So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
