birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
