Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
