I hate your face
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Randomize
