we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
