What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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