As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I love how my cats smell like pot.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
