I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize