Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
