Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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