Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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