if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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