Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
