oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
