just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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