My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
