I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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