Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
