it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
