I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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