actually, I'm a sock model
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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