Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize