you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Drunk is a universal language darling
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
