chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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