I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just high enough for therapy.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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